If We Don't Want to Be Conquered, We'd Best Not Be Divided

Untangling a whole mess of bad assumptions about LGBTQ+ people

I once worried that I might run out of topics to bounce my brain off of for this blog; I’ve since realized that due to Permanent September now rolling into its 500th or so month, the internet will never cease to supply me with a perpetual supply of disingenuous questions aimed at delegitimizing queer people, and young queer people who are desperate for real information in a sea of bullshit, scams, and outright hostility.

In the past few weeks over on That Other Platform, I’ve been asked two questions, one sincere and one complete crap, that together are going to inspire the majority of this post’s content. And I’m going to start by smacking down some bullshit before moving on to some more grounded advice for the Youth Of Today, so buckle up.

The first question I got, and part of the inspiration for this post, was this inane query.

How can the T in LGBTQ stand for transgender when the B stands for Bi-Sexual?

Now for those of you who are looking at this and scratching your heads trying to make sense of a total non-sequitur, let me walk you through this morass of utter chuckle-headed dumbassery.

There was something of a stir on social media a while back where some shit-disturbers started laying out the utterly pants-on-head dumb idea that bisexuality is transphobic (or enby-phobic), because (drumroll please) Bi Means Two, so bisexuals were, by their very nature, discriminating against non-binary people.

That’s a lot to unpack, but let’s break down the primary ideas in force here for clarity.

1. Bisexual people are attracted to 2 and only 2 genders.

2. This implicitly means that bisexuals believe there are only 2 genders.

3. Those two genders are male and female

Ispo facto, Bisexuals are transphobic.

Point one, I refute thusly:

Uh…no.

More to the point, bisexuality has never implied attraction to 2 and only 2 genders. let’s just quote directly from the Bi Manifesto, published ~35 years ago.

Bisexuality is a whole, fluid identity. Do not assume that bisexuality is binary or dougamous in nature; that we must have “two” sides or that we must be involved simultaneously with both genders to be fulfilled human beings. In fact, don’t assume that there are only two genders. Do not mistake our fluidity for confusion, irresponsibility, or an inability to commit. Do not equate promiscuity, infidelity, or unsafe sexual behavior with bisexuality. Those are human traits that cross all sexual orientations.

(Here’s a wider context for that quote.)

Well, that seems pretty clear to me, don’t you think? Given that the entire chain of specious logic rests on that presumption, I’d say we can put the whole argument to bed, but I’m gonna double-tap this zombie, just to be sure.

Let’s look at the sheer idiocy that is point #2. I am, as you may have surmised, primarily lesbacious in my own orientation. By the logic presented here, the only people in the world that I believe exist are women. Which means 49% of the world population are highly closeted trans girls, I guess. I just don’t know how you could see it any other way. Sorry, my dudes.

As for the third point, well, I think the Bi Manifesto quote above punctures it quite nicely.

So what’s the point of all this? Why do I sully my scalpel dissecting this nonsense? Because it lays bare the fundamental weakness of the arguments used to attempt to divide us; namely, that they’re completely inane, and don’t hold up to even a cursory examination.

But make no mistake, dividing us is the goal. Whether it’s LGBdropT, or this Bisexual people hate Trans People foolishness, or vice versa, the goal is to make a wedge. The goal is to convince people to be fearful, and to convince fearful people that their allies are their enemies. And when the big wedges don’t work anymore, they dig deeper, looking for something even more miniscule to set people at each other. Bi vs Pan vs Omni, transmeds vs non-binary people, L vs G (I think they finally might have let that one die, but zombie rightwing bullshit is clawing its way out of Ronnie Reagan’s decomposing boxer shorts and digging upward into the moonlight of a second Trump presidency, so who knows what heinous skullduggery they’ll try to resurrect next?) Bi erasure never really went away, maybe they can charge up the paddles and revive that BS.

Hopefully we can let this crap die a natural death, and keep the necromancers away from the grave this time.

But I did promise a more positive tone to at least half of this post, and now it’s time to pivot. Someone asked me how one can navigate the complexities of dating and relationships while tackling gender dysphoria and the issues of transitioning. And that’s an actually good question, asked with sincerity, by someone who wants to know an answer, and sadly, I find myself at a bit of a loss, since I was already in a relationship when I started my transition, and thanks to my excellent foresight when dating and proposing marriage, my wife is not only a caring, loving, compassionate, strong, intelligent, wise woman, she’s also hella bisexual. Which is why I found the first question to be so frickin stupid to start with.

Bisexual people (and Pansexual, while we’re at it) are the BEST if you happen to be trans, or questioning, or a complete and total egg. Why, because they tend to be people who appreciate masculinity and femininity and in general the fluidity of gender presentation. I see a lot of memes online in Bi spaces just thirsty as h-e-double-hockey-sticks over masculine women and femme guys. Are you questioning, and in the process experimenting with your external gender presentation? I bet you a bi girlfriend would let you borrow her skirt. I bet you a bi boyfriend would take you to a gay bar. I bet you a queer NB person would get you started with on-point makeup tips and shopping suggestions (yeah, that last one’s not a hypothetical). Bi and pansexual folks are already looking through the lens of gender with a decidedly refreshing “who gives a shit” vibe that leaves ALL kinds of room for flexibility and experimentation.

A few caveats, provisos, etc.

• People who want to date you BECAUSE you're trans. We in the community call those types “chasers”. Generally they’ve watched a lot of trans porn and get the idea that trans women can fulfill some fetish or tick an “experiment” off a list of shit they want to try. I think it needs no saying, but being treated as an expendable, disposable fetish object isn’t most people’s idea of a good time.

• People who see you as other than your experienced gender. “I’m bisexual because I like trans women and cis women” should raise enough red flags to hold your own communist party parade.

• People who think they’re going to get the “best of both worlds” from a trans woman. Without going into excruciating detail about my own sex life, they’re just not. My sexuality and libido do not work like a man’s, and even though some “male” parts of me are physically intact, they don’t work anything like they used to, and I don’t want them to.

One of the reasons that I think bi dudes are ideal partners for straight trans women (and gay trans men) has nothing to do with the perceived gender of their partner, and everything to do with having the understanding and empathy from experience, of being a somewhat neglected and overlooked piece of the LGBTQ+ gestalt. Cis bi dudes are also (and again, this is my own perception, backed by nothing but feels) less likely to buy into the tropes of performative and toxic masculinity.

And make no mistake, the dating scene is, from what I’ve seen, something of a minefield, especially for trans women who want to date men. “Trans panic” is not a legal defense for transphobic violence in California, Illinois, Rhode Island, Nevada, Connecticut, Maine, Hawaii, New York, New Jersey, Washington, Colorado, Virginia, Vermont, Oregon, Maryland, Minnesota, New Mexico, New Hampshire, or Delaware, but elsewhere, you take your chances. And even without legal cover, straight dudes with toxic masculinity are very likely to verbally or physically abuse a woman who they have just discovered is trans, especially if they previously were attracted to her.

Of course, your other option is what trans folks affectionately call T4T, i.e. relationship with another trans person. We’re a small minority, true, but we’re out there and we do tend to congregate (probably because we’re so few, we take our allies where we find them and don’t let go.) Another trans person is the most likely to know exactly what you’re going through and empathize. Though it’s a small pool of suitors/suitresses, I’ve seen pics galore of adorable T4T couples who are making it work, so there’s always that.

If you’ve just started transitioning, you want to be with someone who has patience with change, and someone who finds you attractive here and now, and will still find you attractive once all those changes start to add up. Someone who’s comfortable with queer sexuality and whose notions of sex don’t begin and end with Tab A in Slot B or C. And for those reasons, bi and trans people are really likely to fit the bill.

And lest anyone attempt to make this post a wedge issue, no shade whatsoever to my Gay and Lesbian peeps. Plenty of y’all have excellent relationships with trans folks too and I love you to bits for it.